Suspect Partner is Cheating?

Cheating partner expert reveals what to do

When you bring up the topic of cheating partner infidelity, make sure you choose a time and space that is free of distractions.  

'Always start the conversation with "I am feeling x" rather than "you did y",' Neil said.

'This will engage them with how you are feeling rather than them becoming defensive and dismissive. If it matters to you, they should want to invest in rebuilding trust.'

Listen to your partner and trust your gut when it comes to interpreting any cheating partner denial. 'This feeling should tell you if they are being honest or dismissive,' Neil said.

If you suspected your partner has been unfaithful but your suspicions were misplaced, then use this as an opportunity to clarify boundaries and rebuild trust.

Neil, creator of online couples therapy programme, The Relationship Paradigm (www.relationshipparadigm) continued: 'If your suspicions are correct, then you will be in control of your future. If you get an answer that is unconvincing then you need to explore further.'

Start by rating each of these 'key elements' to a happy relationship on a scale of 1-10, based on how it functioned before the betrayal.

'If the scores were low then what are you both going to do to dramatically improve this?,' he asked. Without improvement across the board, there will be no relationship worth saving.  

Communication: Talking to each other, being able to express how you feel to each other and feeling heard.

Connection: This can be a look, a touch, a word. Anything from moments of intimacy as if the world has stopped and nothing else matters to to wild sex swinging from the chandeliers.

Commitment: Making sure you are both investing in the relationship to allow it to continue to grow and flourish.

Fun: Fun often gets forgotten about. Couples need to unleash the child within them, do silly things to laugh until they can't laugh anymore.

Growth: There's three parties in a relationship; there's the you, the me and the us and they all need to be growing because life changes, time moves on and the relationship is not a static thing, it needs to be vibrant and changing.

Trust: We normally assume we trust the other person until something happens to make us doubt that. When things are going well trust doesn't figure at all, it's just there it's assumed.

SECOND STEP: CLARIFY YOUR FEELINGS

The second step is about clarifying your own feelings:

• You need to understand what happened what the other person was providing that was missing from your relationship.
• You also need to understand what the reality of your relationship was beforehand and whether you had any part in creating the situation where they wanted to have an affair.
• You then need to be very clear about the future that you want, is it possible to create a new and better relationship with your existing partner or do you need to look elsewhere.
• Can you ever forgive them and are they showing sufficient remorse to you?

You were attractive and desirable beforehand, fundamentally nothing has changed. The future is now in your hands.

THIRD STEP: YOUR PARTNER'S TURN  

• All the questions about why it happened and how it happened to be answered honestly.
• For the affair partner to show remorse to the betrayed partner in the way that they need
• To understand the reality of the relationship before the affair and whether this needed to be improved to have a clear ending of the affair with the illicit partner and an ending of the toxic triangle
• Total openness and transparency about any contact, emails, messaging with the illicit partner
• Both of you to want a better future rather than being trapped in the pain of the past.
• For you both to create a new and better relationship rather than putting a sticking plaster over the old.
• For there to eventually be forgiveness on all sides

Treat this all as an awakening. A painful, hurtful but important opportunity to reflect on what the relationship was like and through the trauma to grow into a better future.

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